Death is always hard – many of us have experienced the loss of a beloved mother, father, brother, sister, uncle, aunt or pet – it is never easy. I can’t remember my grandparents from my mom or dad’s side because I was too young. The first time I encounter a death in my family was when my dad’s mother died. I remember crying and screaming in fear because I did not want to say goodbye to a corpse laying in a coffin. It scared me and that should not have been forced upon me – especially when I had no real connection to her as I didn’t even know her.
The next time I recalled death was when a friend in high school died – I didn’t really know him that well, I was more connected with his two sisters. This death really made me think about my own mortality and instilled a fear in me that I could not shake. I remember thinking; “when will it be my time” “is it going to hurt” “how will I die” – thoughts of death tormented my soul.
Some time passed before someone close to me died – my uncle Al. For me, Al was like a friend – he enjoyed my taste and music and every once in a while would check in with me to see what my latest record purchases were. I remember the sleepover’s at their house and the weekend beach trips. The negative stories did surface about him and his family but as I was too young to remember them – I only focused on the good times our families shared.
Throughout my adult life – I have lost a good friend (Ricky Chan) and my wonderful and very protective pet – Freddy but the death that stirred the most varying emotions was the death of my partner’s mother. I felt sad when Ricky died and deeply emotional about my Freddy but when Lise McGuire died so many feelings I never even thought I would have surfaced. I was angry for many reasons – I felt she didn’t have enough time on this earth (she passed in her mid-40’s), I blamed her death on her religion (Jehovah’s Witness), I blamed her husband – thinking he didn’t do enough (even though I have no clue about what he did/did not do), I was angry because her sons and daughters would not have a mother any more.
I remember going to her funeral service and listening to people speak of her and felt angered because most of then didn’t even know this woman. I realized that the anger I felt was mostly because I didn’t get the opportunity to know her. I didn’t get to know her as my mother-in-law. I didn’t have the chance to see her love for her son Jason (my partner) and sharing such pivotal moments in his life – like our marriage to one another. I felt sad knowing that her death would leave voids in the lives of Jason’s younger brother and two sisters. To this day, I wonder what it was like for Jason’s sister to get married without the love and support of her mother. I wonder what it was like for her to give birth to two son’s without her mother’s guidance and love. I wonder what it was like for Jason’s younger brother to grow up without the nurturing, love, care and advice a young boy needs from his mother. I wonder what it was like for Jason’s older sister to recently go through a very serious operation without a mother’s strength and support.
I am so grateful that I still have my mother in my life – and I let her know it every time I see her. Death makes us feel so many things – anger, pain, sadness, anxiety, fear, confusion etc…those are the more predominant feelings and we have to allow ourselves to go through the emotions of grief. We all process grief in our own individual way. It is normal to ask ourselves how our lives would have turned out if those we have lost were still here. That is okay. For me – the most important thing to remember about those we have lost our the laughter and joy they brought into our lives. That is what makes the grief go away. I also take comfort in knowing that those who have gone are not really truly gone. I know that Lise McGuire’s presence is around and I know that she is proud of the lives her children are living.
Madonna wrote a song about her mother – which she lost at the age of 5. I don’t know if this was Madonna’s intent but my interpretation is that her adult self was sharing these words and advice to the 5-year-old Madonna who had just lost her mother. The words and message transcend gender even though the words are sung to a ‘little girl’.
PROMISE TO TRY
Little girl don’t you forget her face
Laughing away your tears
When she was the one who felt all the pain
Little girl never forget her eyes
Keep them alive inside
I promise to try — it’s not the same
Keep your head held high — ride like the wind
Never look behind, life isn’t fair
That’s what you said, so I try not to care
Little girl don’t run away so fast
I think you forgot to kiss — kiss her goodbye
Will she see me cry when I stumble and fall
Does she hear my voice in the night when I call
Wipe away all your tears, it’s gonna be all right
I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you’d go away, too
Little girl you’ve got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try — but it feels like a lie
Don’t let memory play games with your mind
She’s a faded smile frozen in time
I’m still hanging on — but I’m doing it wrong
Can’t kiss her goodbye — but I promise to try
Promise To Try was written by Madonna and Patrick Leonard and is included on her album/cd – Like A Prayer. For more information about Madonna (discography, achievements, merchandise, touring etc) please visit Madonna’s official site: http://www.madonna.com
COALITION OF POSITIVE ENERGY 